Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
