I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
