why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
