i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Don't make out with my wife yet
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
