I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
