To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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