dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
