Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Did I show you my penis last night?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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