3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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