i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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