im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
