just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
