Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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