if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
nutella sex= disaster
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
