Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
