oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
