You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
