remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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