The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
