FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
