I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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