I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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