She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
