Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
birth control should be required to get into college
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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