who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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