Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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