Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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