I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
