I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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