Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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