I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
