My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
