I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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