I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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