If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
