I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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