I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
