Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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