I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
