First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
