last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
