I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I can't put those talents on a resume
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
