At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
