I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
