my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
