I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
