he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
