Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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