i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
