I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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